More Anal Adventures

Yesterday we got a pool for the Taj. A gigantic, blue kiddy pool, complete with 5 foot ladder and filter pump. This thing is big enough to bathe an elephant and will likely be used for such a purpose sometime this summer. I have never seen a more elegant piece in any Hautian backyard and I think we are better people because of it.

We bought the pool off of one of my roommate's bosses for $30 (retails for $160 at sam's club... deal of the century). When I got home yesterday it felt like Christmas morning... for like a poor black kid... like I was finally going to get presents from my crackwhore mom and my drunkass dad (who doesn't even think I'm his) is going to pay attention to me for once this year. I was so excited that I literally started jumping up and down trying to get everyone going so we could put the thing together. Of course we had to do this while drinking beer.

Alcohol is a funny thing. It usually empowers you and makes your mind work overtime trying to come up with creative ways to solve difficult problems. For us, the problem was filling our super huge pool with water. We have a low-flow hose that's good enough to wash out our puke bucket, but little else. Our neighbors, however, have a nice, new hose with great water pressure. A quick hop over the fence and a dart around the house to unhook the hose and she was cranking out a constant stream into our love lagoon... er, pool. It was still obviously going to take HOURS before it was full, so we left the pool to play with our friends at the bars.

After getting pissed at one bar for not having free food we found ourselves at another. These four girls walked in, apparently celebrating someone's birthday or something... who cares, really. Well, I turned around to them and waited for eye contact. As soon as I had it I blurted out "girls, we have a poooool!" They looked at me, got scared, and sat on the opposite side of the bar. So I did what any obviously shot down guy would do, I bought them Jager shots and told them that if they did them off of each other's stomachs I would let them clean up in my pool. Apparently just having a pool isn't enough to get girls to do something. I either should have told them it was a hot tub or slapped them in the face with my penis.

I was drunk, they were uninterested, we left. Once home I remembered that I had to return the hose to the neighbor's so they wouldn't find out that we had stolen roughly 8,000 gallons of water from them. I had been jumping over the fence between our houses earlier and assumed that I could do it again. I didn't remember from Health class that drinking severely impairs cognitive, motor, and reasoning skills. It also makes you a clumsy dumbfuck. So while trying to balance on the incredibly unstable chainlink fence, my foot slipped and I went falling ass first onto the painful shards of twisted and rusty metal shooting straight up. I fell, tumbled, and landed in the neighbor's yard. I lied there assuming that I was lying in a pool of blood from my ass and my thigh. I would have just gone to sleep right there (it was about that time in the drunk cycle), but the encouraging shouts from my roommates got me up and on to replacing the hose.

Fast forward to this morning and I remember that I have to put the hose back (I can't remember ANYTHING about what I do when I'm drunk so I completely forgot that I had already taken care of it last night). So I get up and go to the bathroom for my morning poop. I sit down and 'OW' eeps out of my mouth. I think it's an ass pimple but upon inspection its really a 2 foot welt going from the middle of my right ass cheek to my thigh. Looking in the mirror all I can see is red and scratch marks. JESUS. I go back to my room and see that theres a big spot on my sheets where I was bleeding all night. JESUS. Then I remember what happened and that I lost one of my sandals. So instead of going back out to put the hose away I had to go sandal hunting. It was under someone's car, thank you flashlight and Scruff McGruff investigating techniques.

Now I'm sitting here in my office leaning to one side of the chair because it hurts to sit on the welt. I told the girl at Starbucks this morning my story and I think she was shocked that I was saying 'ass' in her store. I guess it's not the Starbucks way.