Darth Vader Has Messy Poop

To stay awake on the morning commute I will usually either bring a bottle of cold, refreshing water, or stop off at Starbucks for some wake-me-up latte. If I go the water route, I'll hit up the super sexy mocha machine in our breakroom when I get to work. After I down all these fluids my super small bladder gets full and makes me run to the bathroom. This allows for a total of about half an hour that I don't actually have to be sitting in my office working. This morning was no exception, except that usually the bathroom is void of people when I go in there.

An empty bathroom is a pleasant thing. You can start unzipping as soon as you walk in the door, fart, or adjust your package in the mirror without upsetting anyone else. You can pick your nose, stand 5 feet back from the urinal and sing... and no one will make fun of you later to other co-workers. BUT when you walk into the bathroom and either see someone at the sink, standing in front of the urinal, or behind a locked stall door you know that you have to be quiet as a mouse so as to not disturb the others' bathroom experience.

This morning when I walked into the bathroom I was faced with the very ominous locked stall door. The way the bathroom is set up I had no idea who was behind said door, but I had a pretty good idea from his mannerisms. While I was standing waiting to unleash into the urinal, I noticed that the guy behind door #1 was breathing rather heavily. No, not quite... he was heaving as if his lungs couldn't suck up enough oxygen to sustain life. He was breathing for at least 2 other people while they suffocated from his poop stench. It sounded like Darth Vader was fighting the worst constipation pains ever suffered by anything human, robot, or jedi. But then, after all the straining, I heard the sweet relief that could only be felt by someone that had just unloaded 10 lbs of excess weight. It sounded, however, like he was sneezing all 10 lbs out of his ass. It went "pfffzzzzz plop plop... pfffszzzzzzz!" I started to giggle, which apparently threw him off because the heavy Darth Vader breathing started again. I could tell his whole game was thrown off just by me being in there. He wanted to poop loud and unrestrained, but the aforementioned 'noise' rules applied. His intergalactic shit was louder than hell and could probably be heard down the hallway.

So I stayed in there for an extra couple of minutes, adjusting my pants and shirt, smoothing out my hair, and playing with myself a little. The smell finally hit me and made me leave, but at least I did so with the satisfaction that I ruined someone's morning. I should have left the water running so he wouldn't have known if I'd left or not.