Nemesis

Yesterday was a long day. I left for school at 8:20 in the morning and got home roughly 14 hours later. School, homework, school, more homework, then work with the kids (one funny phone call - posted below), and finally I got to experience that well-known joy of driving through the Haute to head back to The Taj. I had no idea, however, that there was a giant beast waiting for me.

I rolled up behind the house, got out of my car, took two steps towards the front door, and then pooped myself. Sitting on the top step of the back porch was the largest, most foul looking creature to ever escape the claws of Satan. He had beady eyes and a long devilish snout stained with the blood from his last meal. With claws covered in grime and old fur he pawed at me as if saying "your next, bitch - bend over..." I screamed. No, not a manly growl, but more of a little girl just getting kissed by a boy type of scream. I covered my balls with both hands and slowly backed away from the stairs. This motherfucking possum wasn't about to take my manhood away from me.

I flipped out my cell phone and tried calling the roommates to come out and look at the creature guarding our door. They filled the laundry room trying to get a peek at our new pet. The possum, in turn, growled at them showing his thousands of pointy fangs. He wasn't about to take shit from them. They tried to open the door and push the beast off of the staircase, but his massive body remained - he held fast against all 5 of them pushing against the door. I was alone in the backyard - no one was going to rescue me.

I found my weapon. For some reason we keep this 20 foot stick next to our garbage cans; 20 feet is the perfect length to appropriately poke a possum. I grabbed the stick, stood as far away as possible and started to prod and fondle the monster. After a few jabs of the pole, the possum was ready to fight. He stood on his hind legs and let out a raucous roar. He was eying my jugular, so I gave him one final jab in the possum family jewels (this possum was so big and scary that you could actually see the two melon-sized balls hanging - easy target). My aim was dead on, the possum yelped and scurried away into the shadows and off into the black abyss of the neighboring condemned house.

That's right - all you little furry critters can just step back. Me and my pole will destroy.