A Good Old Horsefuck

This morning I was walking with a friend and along our way to class we passed by one of the 3 construction crews dotting our campus. They were leveling out the dirt with this huge pile-driving machine. The equipment was kind of cool, but since they took out the sidewalk to lay down a pipe, we were forced to walk around the site and through the mud. After passing the crew, my friend told me that one of the construction guys tries to hit on every girl that passes. I thought this was funny, but not really surprising, as all contractors learn their trade from the most disgusting and vile men on the planet.

Your average contract worker, whether he's an electrician, a plumber, or an outdoor laborer, will be able to shock you with stories of penis explosions and tripping off LCD while helping his wife give birth to their twelfth baby, or about that time he and his friend got busted for growing 60 acres of marijuana. These are not bad people, mind you, they have just been skewed by years of working around other men who all share the same sick, terrible humor. To an outsider it appears that these people are two steps away from being imprisoned for child endangerment and sexual harassment. But again, contractors are usually very decent fathers, make enough money to live comfortably, and are respectable in their community. Its just when they gather in groups they become a giant ball of testosterone trying to find an outlet. Its always a contest to see who can come up with the most asinine thing to say. The one that out-does the others will be king for an hour.

And this is my story:

I was working down in southern ohio for the evil oil corporation. It was sunny, hot, and beautiful outside. I was standing in front of a huge hole that had been ripped out of a hillside. A big pile of mud and dirt was to my right, and in the hole in front of me was one of our contractors operating a large trackho. Standing around me was the foreman, his supervisor (We had two jobs going on at the same time, so there were two foremen and a supervisor over them. It also just so happened that they were all family... and they were from West Virginia - go figure), and the general manager of the contract firm. My boss was standing next to me talking to them while I watched the big machine play with the mud. My boss was a woman of about 35. She has a speech impediment, her hair is ridiculous (think peacock), and she's probably got an extra 50 pounds she doesn't need. She lives by herself in an apartment in Findlay, Oh, doesn't date, and works on average 12 hours a day. She is a good person, but she is boring. She has lived in Ohio all her life. She is uninteresting to the nth degree.

This is why I was absolutely floored when it was suggested that I "give her a good old horsefuck" after she left. I had no idea how to respond to this comment. If she were hot, I may have said 'hell yeah' or if she were not my boss I would have said 'are fucking kidding me - she is a fucking horse.' But oh no, she was my ugly boss - I just stared and quietly mouthed 'WHAT THE FUCK?!' The foreman turned to his brother and the general manager and just started laughing his ass off. The other two joined in. The laughter and my obvious blushing weren't enough - they started humping the air and whinnying. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST - Here I am, 19 years old, standing in front of 3 guys who are collectively as intelligent as my shit, but they can each grab my head and squeeze it till it pops, and they are laughing their asses off at me. What the fuck do I do?

Well obviously I found my boss, fucked her in the back of our company car, and then went and told these assholes to get off my case.

The don't make Impalas like they used to.